Lost Letter
by LoonyLoopyLupin96
Summary: **NOW COMPLETE** Remus heads back to Grimmauld Place, distraught after his best friend's death. He discovers a letter, Sirius planned to send him, which worsens his pain. A strange sense of de ja vu consumes Remus, as he recalls a memory.
1. Familiar Place

As he clutched at Harry, a part of Remus Lupin wanted to believe that what Harry was saying was true. And that Sirius would come out from under the veil in front of them. As though a knife had been plunged into his chest, the pain got worse with each passing moment that Sirius left them waiting, until eventually, Remus was forced to believe he had truly lost his best friend, once again.

After a distraught Harry had broken free from Remus' pain filled grasp, Remus fell to the floor in aguish, unsure whose arms came around him, trying to comfort him. This only made the pain worse, as Remus recalled the other times he had needed this comfort, it had been Sirius to deliver it, and now, Sirius was the reason he needed it.

Feeling empty, Remus stood up in the Department of Mysteries, and walked to an empty space, he apparated, landing on the doorstep of 12 Grimmauld Place. Upon entering, Remus expected to see Sirius bound down the stairs, happy for human company. Instead, Remus faced a desolate hallway, with paint peeling walls and a large portrait of the woman who had made Sirius' life hell.

Ignoring the sudden urge to curse the portrait, Remus climbed the creaky stairs, until he reached the floor hosting Sirius' bedroom, a room Remus had been in only once before. The familiar photo of the Marauders lay on the wall. Remus stood and watched as he and his three friends waved from the picture. A small tear rolled along Remus' cheek, down his chin. Eventually, Remus turned away from the photo, and sat on the edge of the bed, next to a small chest of draws.

The permanent locking charm that Sirius would have placed upon it, had gone, meaning Remus could open up the drawer, and view its content. A small glass mirror lay along the base of the drawer, under quills and stray Beans. Remus, of course, knew this mirror could communicate with its partner, though he wasn't sure where its partner lay.

As he went to replace the mirror, Remus caught sight of a small white envelope, that had hidden beneath the mirror. Pulling the envelope out, Remus glanced at the photo of he and his friends once more, wanting to see Sirius' smile, and wondering what Sirius would say, had he known that Remus was looking through his drawer.

The drawer slid shut quietly, as though waiting for the envelope to be removed. Remus turned it over curiously, and was startled to see that his name was written on the other side, in the familiar scrawl of Sirius' handwriting. Nervously, Remus began to open the envelope. A letter and a photo fell out of the envelope, and Remus hastily picked them both up.

He placed the envelope beside him, and crawled to sit up on Sirius' bed, leaning against the familiar scent of his friend. His knees pulled up to his chest, Remus began to read the letter.

'My Dear Moony,' the letter began, tears were already falling down Remus' cheeks as he breathed in his friends scent, and read the letter.


	2. The Letter

_Dear Moony,_

_I am writing this letter, because if I were to just say my thoughts out loud, no one would take me seriously. However, as this letter is being kept hidden, it's likely you're only able to read it because I am away, or...dead. In that case, I forgive you for going through my things, and if you want to claim any of the photos from my walls, all you have to say is 'Releasio Marauder Mayhem' and they will become unstuck. It had to be a strange spell that Mother would never guess._

_I want you to know that you have been a better friend than anyone could have wished for, and from the moment I met you, I have loved being around you. Even when you're sitting reading for hours on end, it was great seeing you so calm and relaxed. I don't think you realised how much you have changed since you started at Hogwarts, you came looking so glum and scared, and you left with the biggest grin I had ever seen, as the four of us left the castle._

_All the fun we had on full moons, it was such a great time Moony, and had it not been for you, we would never have been able to enjoy it._

_I guess what I really want to say is, thank you for being such an amazing friend, and there is something you ought to know; the day your mother died, and we sat together on your bed, (I'm sure you will remember the rest), it meant more to me than I ever let on, and I know I should have said something about it sooner, for now I guess it is too late, but I love you Moony, I always have and I always will._

At this, Remus couldn't hold back his feelings, he put his head hard against his knees, and cried, wishing more than anything that his friend had told him this sooner. He ran his hands through his hair in anguish, wanting the pain to end, but needing to see his friend once more. So, laying the letter to one side, he lay his tear stained head back against the wall, and closed his eyes, remembering the day that his mother had died...


	3. In Loving Memory

They had been sitting in a Charms lesson, laughing at James' attempts to take Lily's concentration away from the levitating feather. Professor McGonagall had knocked on the door, and requested that she, 'speak to Remus Lupin, immediately'. Knowing what was coming, the laughter fell from Remus' face, and he walked out of class, not looking back to see Sirius' reassuring smile, Lily's eyes full of worry or James' anxious glare at anyone who sniggered at Remus as he walked by, he even missed Peter's look of confusion, as he sat wondering why his friend Remus was in trouble, wondering why Sirius or James weren't in trouble too.

Accompanied by a sullen Remus, Professor McGonagall headed to her office nearby. She motioned for Remus to sit, and once he had, she handed him a mug of hot chocolate, knowing of his fascination. The dread he felt for the expected news, had drained him of all other emotions, he neither felt interested or happy to be drinking hot chocolate, in fact, he barely touched a drop.

"There is no way to say this, Remus," she began, and Remus knew it was definitely bad news, as there had never been a moment when Professor McGonagall had referred to any student by their first name, "I am afraid, your mother passed away a couple of hours ago," she finished, watching the last bit of hope drain from Remus' face.

Biting his lip, so to prevent any tears from falling, he stood up and left the room, a concerned Professor watched after him. He had known it was coming, but even so, the news felt like a bullet through his heart, each time he remembered his Professor's words. Without having noticed his surroundings, amidst his grief, Remus headed up to his dormitory, and pulled aside his curtains. After climbing onto his bed, without removing his shoes, he pulled his knees up to his chest and sat staring at the pale curtain opposite him.

For the first few minutes, he was merely feeling empty, but gradually, more and more feelings crept into him; Guilt. Guilt over having spent the past hour laughing away in Charms, whilst his mother had been suffering terribly. Guilt over having used his mother's illness as an excuse when he had to hide out under the Whomping Willow each month for three years. As the guilt and the grief consumed him, Remus put his head between his knees, letting the tears he had hidden, fall down his cheeks silently.

In his head he remembered the way his mother used to kiss him goodnight, and the way she used to make chocolate cupcakes to cheer him up after having spent the night as a wolf. He was so consumed with his memories, that he did not hear the door open. He did not notice when his best friend pulled aside the curtain slightly, to check on his friend. "Remus," was all Sirius had said, before he sat down on Remus' bed beside him, pulling him into a big warm hug. Small gasps came from Remus' lips as his pain and sorrow consumed him. Sirius could only listen in anguish at his friend having to go through something like this. It made Sirius think about his own mother, and how he could never have felt the way Remus was doing, after her death.

A small choking sound, took Sirius away from his thoughts. He pulled Remus away from his chest slightly, to look at him. His eyes were red and swollen, emptying of tears before they have time to fill up again. The choking sound increased slightly, and so Sirius began to rub his friend's arm, trying to get him out of the hysterics. "Come on, Remus," he whispered softly. Remus, wanting to comply, could only glance at Sirius, the pain clear in his eyes. The anguish reached out and threatened to overcome Sirius too, until he remembered that, as a friend, it was his duty to make sure Remus was okay. And so, without a thought, Sirius pressed his lips softly to Remus' forehead, keeping them there as he felt Remus gain control of his breathing once more. Moving back, Sirius looked down at his friend. Surprise was in his emotions, lost amidst all the gloom and terror. Sirius gave a reassuring smile to Remus, who returned a small, nervous one to his friend.

As Remus' thoughts were momentarily away from his dead mother, Sirius thought about what to do. Should he? The brief pause was too much, as Remus' eyes filled with tears once more, again feeling guilty; how could he smile, when his mother had just died? Sirius pulled Remus forward for another hug. As they rested their heads above each other's shoulders, the two of them sat there, filled with different emotions. Sirius felt the change in Remus' breathing sooner this time, and began to rub his back once more, "Remus, please calm down," he begged, "Remus please," he continued as his friends breathing increased, "Moony," Sirius tried once more, a little sterner.

What happened next hurt Sirius worse of all; as Remus' breathing slowed, he bit at his lip briefly, before a wave of hopelessness washed over him and he hid his head against Sirius' shoulder, crying harder than he had before. The hopelessness was hard for Sirius to see. After all, Remus had always been the strong, independent one. This lapse reminded Sirius of how much he needed his friends, and it gave him an idea of how much Remus needed him right now.

They stayed like that for a while, as Remus diffused all of his self hatred and sorrow. Eventually, the two of them were lying on top of Remus covers, Sirius stroking his friend's hair soothingly. Remus sat up, leaning on his arm, to look down at his friend. A small, nervous smile played over his lips as he flushed, embarrassed at his outburst. Understanding, Sirius shook his head, "Don't feel bad about it, I'm glad I was here to help you," Sirius said quietly, reassuring Remus. Remus nodded, and although he knew the answer, he felt the need to ask anyway, "Has she really gone?" he asked, as a single tear fell down his cheek. Sirius nodded, sitting up and resting a hand on Remus' shoulder, looking directly into his eyes, "But she hasn't truly left you; she will always be here," he finished, placing his other hand upon Remus' heart.

Looking down at his friends hand, Remus smiled. It was neither a sad smile, nor a happy smile. But it didn't end in a flood of tears, it ended with a small nod from Sirius, pleased to see that his friend was ready to live his life again, after getting over the shock. They hugged again briefly, before departing.


	4. The Door To His Heart

Back at Grimmauld Place, Remus, his eyes still closed, could imagine that last hug between he and his friend, it had been so warm and familiar. It had been like home. Sitting there, he could imagine Sirius' arms around him once more, he could actually feel the warmth, and smell the familiar scent of his friend. He smiled a little, imagining being there with Sirius. He imagined Sirius saying, 'I love you,' and so he responded aloud, "I love you as well Padfoot," he said.

When the realisation hit Remus that Sirius wasn't going to be able to hug him again, tears rolled down his cheeks. Once again, he imagined Sirius pressing his lips to Remus' forehead. He could feel the softness, as though he was actually there. Remus moved his arms as though to hug Sirius, and was startled to feel someone there.

"Sirius?" he said, briefly forgetting that that couldn't ever happen again. The arms moved away, and it took a moment before Remus remembered to open his eyes. Opening them, he saw a figure walk out of the room. She sniffed as she left, Remus understood this to mean that she too, had been crying with him. Her paled pink hair drifted limply behind her as she left the room. The 'Crack' that Remus heard, simultaneously, meant that he was alone at Grimmauld Place, once more.

Staring at the doorway for a moment, Remus wondered what she would have made of his brief mutterings, as he daydreamed of Sirius. But before his thoughts could get too intense, he remembered the letter. Tentatively, he picked it up, just to see the end.

_I will see you when the time is right,_

_Your Loving, Padfoot x_

He smiled softly, reading the last line over and over until he could picture it in his mind; permanently engraved upon his skull. Placing the letter down next to him, Remus picked up the photo that had also fallen out of the envelope. The picture brought tears to Remus' eyes once more, as he looked down at himself and Sirius laughing together, their arms around each other's shoulders.

Remus placed the photo and the envelope into the safety of his pocket; right beside his heart. He glanced down at the pocket, seeing he and his best friend's heads sticking out above the pocket rim. He imagined Sirius' hand upon his heart once more, and as he spoke, he tried to imagine as though he was speaking in unison with Sirius; "you haven't truly left me," he spoke aloud, "you will always be here."

After looking around the room once more, Remus closed the door to his heart and walked downstairs, planning to get a quick drink, before going to find Tonks. All the while, Sirius was still on his mind and in his heart. Always.

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><p><strong>I have to admit, writing this chapter made me cry a little, I feel so mean making Remus suffer, but it was an inevitable part of his best friend's death, I guess.<strong>

**Thank You for reading, I truly hope you liked it;**

**I appreciate all feedback and be sure to read any of my other stories.**


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